{ the sweetest bee makes the thickest honey. }

Look straight into my eyes. And now pretend that you love me. Say that you love me more than you?ve ever loved anyone else.
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How To Survive Unbearable Heartbreak: Role Playing
by Sebastian Ischer


- You?re beautiful. Let me take off your shirt.
- No!
- Why not?
- Cause you?ll want to have sex.
- What?s wrong with that?
- Sex is so boring and exhausted. I want to do something different. I want to act out my fantasies.
- Like what?
- I dunno. Nothing too weird. Maybe like, I?m an innocent schoolgirl, and you?re an old man molesting me.
- That?s kind of weird.
- I?d give you a blowjob if you do it.
- I guess then I?d try it.
- You?d have to be really serious though. I don?t want it to be a joke.
- I wouldn?t joke around. I?m always serious about sex.
- Okay. You?d have to come in and say that I?ve been doing something naughty. Be very specific about what it is, and then make up a good punishment. Could you do that?
- I guess.
- Good. And now you have to tell me what your fantasy is.
- Can?t we just do yours? I don?t really have one.
- No, you have to have one. Or else I?ll be embarrassed that I told you mine.
- Yours isn?t that embarrassing.
- Yes it is! Tell me yours.
- Okay.
- What is it?
- I want you to look at me. Look straight into my eyes. And now pretend that you love me. Say that you love me more than you?ve ever loved anyone else. And that you?ll never love anyone after me.
- That?s it?
- And then kiss me.
- Okay.


- I love you. I love you more than I?ve ever loved anyone else. I will never love anyone else as much as I love you.
- Can you hold my penis while you say it?
- Okay. I love you.
- Do you really mean it?
- Yes I do.
- You?re lying. You?re just saying it because I asked you to.
- Yes. But I do mean it, right now.
- So you really love me, and you?re never going to be in love with or attracted to anyone else again?
- No.
- Why not?
- Because I can?t promise that.
- Just pretend. It?s role-playing.
- I don?t feel like playing that role anymore. Let?s do my fantasy now.


- Ugh.
- What?s wrong, sweetie?
- There?s this really bad feeling in my chest.
- No there isn?t. You?re just imagining that. Everything is fine.
- I?m really scared.
- Why are you scared?
- I feel like I?m never going to do anything special, and I?ll always be this fucked-up, worthless person. It makes me so scared, I can?t even think about it.
- You are special. You?re just dealing with some problems right now. But you?re going to get your shit together and start feeling better, and then you?ll do something really special, and lots of people will admire you for it and think you?re cool.
- Do you promise?
- Yeah, I do.
- What do you think I?m going to do?
- Hmm. You?ll probably write a best-selling novel. Or a poetry collection. And maybe design your own clothing line. Plus, your paintings are going to sell for a lot of money, and you?ll be an art star.
- You?re lying.
- No I?m not.
- How am I going to do any of that when I can?t even pay my bills, or clean my room, or go to work on time.
- You?re depressed right now. But things will get better.
- No, they won?t.
- Yes they will. I know you?re special, because I love you.
- No you don?t. If you loved me, we wouldn?t fight so much, and I wouldn?t feel so bad all the time. You just want to fuck me.
- You know that?s not true.
- Yes it is! That?s all you ever want, and when you can?t have it, you?re mean to me.
- If I was with you because I only wanted to have sex with you, we would?ve broken up when you stopped wanting to have sex. We?ve done it four times in the last two months. And before that we went all summer without ever having sex.
- You?re just waiting because you think I?m going to have sex with you again.
- Whatever. Go fuck yourself. You want to have sex with everyone but me. You slut.
- That?s not true! Take it back, please.
- It?s the truth. I can?t take it back.
- No, no, no.
- I?m sorry.
- Sob.
- I didn?t mean it. I just got angry. Come on, don?t cry.

- This is so odd. You used to love me, but now you don?t anymore. How is that possible. How can something be true one day, and then the exact opposite be true sometime later?
- Maybe it?s evolution. I was meant to be in love with you and want to have sex with you for a while, but our love didn?t stand the test of natural selection.
- See, I think that?s weird. But on, the positive side, if things can change like that, maybe I?ll transform too. And then I won?t be in love with you anymore at some point in the future.
- Don?t say that. I want your love to be constant and true, even if we?re not together anymore.
- Hmm. Here?s another idea: maybe you never really loved me at all. Maybe you were just trying to see if you might love me. But it didn?t happen. And so neither of us lost anything. Because there wasn?t ever anything to lose in the first place. There was nothing there!
- That?s not true! I did love you.
- Everything you do contradicts that statement.
- I loved you, deeply.
- No. You were just experimenting with your feelings. Trying out your sexual orientation towards me. And maybe you didn?t want to be alone, and there was no one better around.
- You?re so heartless. You want to destroy all our memories, and leave me with nothing.
- No. I really do love you. My love is constant and true. I?d take you back, anytime, under any condition.
- Don?t say that. It just makes me angry. You use your love like it?s some kind of weapon. Like I?m the bad guy for not loving you.
- You are.


- You know how people never really communicate? Like, whenever you say something, a certain percentage of your intended meaning is lost, because the person you?re talking to assimilates the symbols you?re transmitting into their own reality, where they might have slightly, or drastically, different interpretations.
- For example, when you say that you had a threesome with two muscular guys, I might hear it and draw an association to some really ugly porn that I saw once. And of course my conflicted feelings about sex and the hypocritical way I see women would affect my response too, so that I might feel sickened by your having sex in a way that seems degrading. I would also be jealous that you were willing to do something purely sexual with other men, whereas you don?t seem to want to have sex with me most of the time, even though you claim to love me. So to me, the sexual experience you describe would seem dehumanizing, and self-destructive, and I would get a really bad feeling from it. But maybe to you the experience was actually really positive, and you felt liberated, and were deeply pleasured by generous, experimental, no-strings attached lovemaking. Instead of picturing you getting fucked by two brainless studs like a porn star, I could think of myself in high school, being really drunk at a party and making out with my girlfriend and her best friend (who I thought was cute), which made me feel really happy, and gave me the brief impression that sex was a beautiful, utopian thing. If I thought about that, I?d feel different about your experience. So it all depends on the context.
- And the really sad moments in life are the ones when you realize that something you said, which meant a lot to you, did not get communicated to the person you were talking to. And the feeling of meaningfulness, which you experienced while you were talking, was really entirely hermetic and masturbatory.
- But on the positive side, if you consider how different each person?s life is, and how we each have an individual self that is mostly unreachable by others, and we all must die alone, it seems amazing that we communicate anything at all. Even something really simple, like ?Could you please pass me bread? which actually works, and gets a point across to create a noticeable result in reality, depends on a wide range of shared assumptions, symbols, and cultural values. It would take a system of complex mathematics to work out the process of how symbolic meaning can translate into physical action, and most of us would never understand it. So really, any sort of communication is more than we comprehend, and better than we deserve.
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