My dad was a language rapist
Said in english to my mom,
Baby, I'm going to have you
and there's nothing I can do.
The man had pulled splinters
out of his fingers.
He was tender and loving
father of three small children,
an inventive entertainer.
I left them when I came over.
At first, there wasn't much to do
The job market had died
And I found myself walking a lot
I didn't care where I went
or with whom - there was a limit to
the damage I could do
when I was alone.
I worked as a police officer on the
High side. Which is where the good life
went to get sick.
I mean I drank, and I was
in a fight that took out an eye.
I had no teachers, no father - nobody was
taking care of me. I called
my mother long distance
she said - are you okay come
home to me.
I was a regular with a few girls
none of them in love with
but some were pretty and I called them
on the telephone:
Daisy, let's get out of town
I don't know what I'm gonna do to you, oh no
We took tango lessons.
In the meantime she kissed me
and then lied to me.
I would never forgive her. Five
I bought a little pistol and went
up to her room looking for
She said what do you want
I don't owe you, I can be
with anyone I like
I said you're right, that's the
truth and shot a hole in her window.
Screamed and they came to get me but I
dropped the gun under the couch
and ran outside.
Then I went for a walk in the park
it was hot as flat blood.
I went with my girl Pony
and felt better because
I was a new man, cheated death
and love and not went to
prison. None of my friends
I was working in an office
where I injured my hand with
a staple gun. Every time
the phone rang - I thought Daisy
But didn't answer.
In the office there were a few
girls that liked me - and
I wouldn't scrap them -
they were dog ugly.
Then the summer got so hot
old people fell on the sidewalk
and fell unconscious. Dogs
because their hearts cooked
in the sun. I was lucky to know
how to swim - to cool in the E river.
But then this boy drowned once and
we couldn't save him or get him out
and he disappeared head under.
I forgot to tell them later why
he was stoned and got bit
by a snake, scraped his foot
against the rocks and
drifted out scared. No one
could call him
because he stopped swimming.
Another boy fell from
the roof of a building where he
They had a boombox playing and he fell
with the boombox into an airshaft.
He was killed on the impact.
But these tragedies interrupted
the summer - they did not
stop it. We must go
on to work, eating and sleeping,
and someone is dying nearby,
listening to the radio.
I got a job as a television actor.
Playing the son of
a doctor on a popular series.
I got it riding the subway
Pushed a girl out of the way
of a speeding train. Her
dad was the producer.
I got ten thousand dollars
a week and learned my lines with an acting coach
Then lots of girls fell in love
all over me. I used my experience
as a cop
to intimidate the other actors.
And I was liked. Even those
who feared me, liked me.
The writers decided that the son
of the doctor was a spy. I should
fly to Tokyo for a pilot.
The producers talked about it
for a while, but
before the show started I quit.
I was tired of acting and felt I'd
use the money to live and be
I've painted before, and now
I'm painting almost every day.
I found an apartment in the lower
E where I keep my brushes and canvas and I
practice at painting - training my
style. But even though I am skilled
the paintings don't make a lot of money -
nobody has money for paintings when
all they care about is photography
My money starts to run out,
and I don't have health insurance.
Talked to my dad on the phone
once a year, he said why not
go live with him. I could
try something new,
and move out of the city.
Which would be nice because then
when I walk around I would never think
that I might run into Daisy.
And I should leave here
before I get sick. Emotionally I
have not been doing so well.
I don't know if there's hope
and suddenly I fall in love and
find the career of my life which will
keep me involved for another 35 -
40 years, or it's all shit
and there's nowhere left to go
but the one destination.
If that's the case then life
is worthless and not worth living.