{ the sweetest bee makes the thickest honey. }


Sam Tsitrin's long-awaited call-to-armageddon for the poetist scene. This manifesto may make you shave your head in anger!



The Poetist Manifesto
by Sebastian Ischer and Sam Tsitrin

1. No poæsy can be written by males between the ages 19-23
and 45-65 and females between the ages 20-40. Anything
written by people in those groups will not be considered
posy, and those writing it will not be considered Poetists

2. A Poetist can never read his/her poæsy aloud to anyone
(girlfriend, cat, dad) just after writing it. A Poetist must
only let his/her significant other read pieces that have
already been published somewhere.

3. A Poetist must collect at least 50 and no more than 100
rejection slips before he/she can attempt to write poæsy.

4. A Poetist must not write with the intent to educate or
expose people for their stupidity. Unless, the Poetist is
addressing someone he/she knows intimately (i.e. girlfriend,
grandmother, real estate agent)

5. A Poetist can never refer to him/herself as a "poet". A
Poetist must always firmly stand on our beliefs that "poets"
are a waste. If a Poetist has ever referred to him/herself as
a "poet" in the past, even if that was many years ago, and
this information becomes known to the Society, this Poetist
might loose his/her status as a member.

6. A Poetist must not write after having sex with another
person, unless it is right after sex (meaning that no
washing-up-and-dressing period has taken place). However,
even in this case, the Poetist cannot read the fresh poæsy to
the other person as per rule #2.

7. A Poetist must write, if he/she expects to have sex with
another person within several hours.

8. A Poetist can only become a member of the Society if
he/she is acknowledged and accepted by all the other Poetists
in the Society, or granted a pardon by the founder himself.

Amendment I. A Poetist must not have a picture frame on
his/her desk, that looks at the Poetist while he/she is
writing his poesy, unless it is a photograph or rendering of
a) a girlfriend or boyfriend (preferably a long-term
relationship), b) grandmother, c) jesus or other god-like
being.
Amendment II. A Poetist can only begin to write poæsy after
the "effacing incident" (see FAQs) has taken place.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q. Rule 1 does not specify whether males 13-16 and females
12-17 can write poæsy?
A. Yes, those groups will be allowed into the society if they
can subscribe to all other rules. Some of the best poæsy is
written by schizophrenic and/or homosexual teenagers (in the
closet or out). Rule 1 is necessary for reasons of fertility
and realization of self-worth. Wendy disagrees strongly with
this rule, which almost prevented the author from completing
the Manifesto.

Q. Rule 2: Why?
A. Because, a Poetist must never seek gratification while or
immediately after writing. A Poetist must be humble and try
to live with the material first, not throw it on someone
else's back.

Q. Rule 3: How can a Poetist collect rejection slips if
he/she is not writing poæsy yet? What can he/she do to get
rejection slips?
A. It is assumed that a potential Poetist starts out writing
"poetry", and desperately tries to get it published. However
true poæsy can only be written after a several rejections.

Q. Rule 5: Can there ever be "poets" that are also Poetists?
A. Only ones that are posthumously inducted. And then, only
those pardoned by the founder. In fact there are three such
figures in the Society: Pushkin, Bukowski and Mayakovski.

Q Rules 6 & 7: Can a Poetist write while having sex with
another person?
A. During the act of intercourse, a Poetist can not be held
accountable for any of the rules in the Manifesto. Therefore
a Poetist can do whatever he/she wants, be it writing poæsy
or driving a car. However Rule 2 still applies immediately
after the climax or end of sexual intimacy.

Q. Amendment II: What is the "effacing incident"?
A The Incident is a natural occurrence in the life of all the
Poetists. It occurs, often violently, in the moment the
Poetist realizes, for the first time. what an ugly human
being he/she is. The incident can be as brief as a few
seconds or last as long as 30 years.

Because I felt that the author's own Q&A, though
comprehensive, didn't answer all the questions raised by the
Poetist Manifesto, I asked Sam Tsitrin to engage in a
dialogue via electronic communication. After several phone
calls, Sam's publicist told me that he was willing to meet,
so long as all questions about Sam's painful struggle with
narcolepsy were kept off the record.

Sebastian:
Hey Sam

Sam:
Hey how are you, still working on a friday

Sebastian:
what you mean still? Work is always...

Sam:
I am not, I am at home, day-off.
So how was Switzerland? What's new?

Sebastian:
Nothing, no big thing. Everything is the same, again.

Sebastian:
I have some additional questions about the Manifesto.

Sebastian:
Question 1: Why now? Why Poesy?

Sam:
It's 2001 and I can't lie to myself anymore.
Poesy is the simplest, most direct form of expression.

Sebastian:
What would you say to people who are alienated by the
manifesto, or simply don't understand it?

Sam:
I would say: If you can not understand it you are nor ready
to nurture a poetist inside you. If you feel alienated or
excluded on purpose, try to forget about it, just move on.
You don't need this anyway

Sebastian:
What if someone felt alienated and estranged but wanted to
feel included - could you communicate the essence of poesy
to them, how?

Sebastian:
Also, if animals could write, and different species wrote
different styles and genres, which animal would write poesy,
and which one would not?

Sam:
The people who naturally feel estranged and alienated, but
have not written poesy before, I think would feel liberated,
others who just want to feel included in everything that's
happening are not welcome, it's like white rappers asking to
be loved by the Black community.

Sam:
If animals could write, Bears would be the ones writing
poesy, and everyone else would be writing D.H., Lawrence tyoe
pornography

Sam:
D.H. Lawrence type pornography.

Sebastian:
Toe pornography?

Sam:
No, come on, D.H. Lawrence-type pornography.

Sebastian:
Some people might say that poesy is just another fad,
something to shock and titillate the elitist media on the
East Coast. What would you do to these people?

Sam:
I would like to milk those people for all the media attention
they can give me, to create a controversial movement of which
essentially no one could be a part.

Sam:
My guess is that the only people interested in the Poetist
Manifesto would be the ones not able to join.

Sam:
Not allowed.

Sebastian:
Okay, what about the debate over "keeping it real" vs
"selling out" - do you feel that poesy is going to become co-
opted by corporate interest once you define it as a movement,
and turn into another materialistic "Bitches n' Rolex" scene?

Sam:
Seb, I am very sorry, I have to leave for 15 minutes; I'll be
back and we'll go over this question.

Sebastian:
Sorry if I'm being confrontational with these questions, but
I want to keep it hard hitting to express my own affinity for
the avant-garde.

Sam:
I know, I'll be right back, promise.

Sebastian:
I'll save everything we have so far.

Remember: Never give out your password or credit card number
in an instant message conversation.

At this point in the interview, Tsitrin leaves abruptly, then
returns 15 minutes later.

Sam:
Hey, I am back, are you around?

Sebastian:
Did you leave because of that last question? I didn't mean
it to be insulting.

Sam:
Well, no, I had to allow for the phone to ring.

Sam:
But I do feel insulted by the last question.

Sebastian:
Who called?

Sam:
You can say that Tsitrin abruptly left.

Sebastian:
I hope it was worth interrupting the Q&A.

Sam:
Violet was coming to the house so her and Wendy could

Sam:
go shopping for flowers.

Sebastian:
For the wedding?

Sam: Yes. Did you save the other stuff?

Sebastian:
So, do you want me to repeat the last question?

Sam:
Is the manifesto going up? Did the board pass it?

Sebastian:
Yes, I just need some supplemental materials.

Sam:
yes, re-pest the last one.

Sebastian:
Okay, what about the debate over "keeping it real" vs
"selling out" - do you feel that poesy is going to become co-
opted by corporate interest once you define it as a movement,
and turn into another materialistic "Bitches n' rolex n'
crystal" scene?

Sebastian:
Not scene--scheme.

Sebastian:
Or for example, there's a rumor that Bowie wants you to write
Poesy for a multimedia installation he's doing. Do you see a
conflict between that and getting food on the table for Wendy
and the cat?

Sam:
Well, a person always needs room to grow and change. If the
movement outgrows me, I would be willing to sell it down the
river, and do something completely opposite. Of course I
would have to move to another country, because the outrage
and negativity at home would be too much for the safety of
Wendy and the cat.

Sebastian:
So if Bowie gets invloved, or Alanis wants you to do lyrics
for her rock opera, then no problem?

Sam:
Well, Bowie did contact me in person, which I thought was
rather cool, I mean you'd think he would use an agent

Sam:
But he seems to be a good old chum.

Sebastian:
Okay, what about the writing itself, I mean let's stay
focused.

Sam:
But I don't think I want to be involved with anybody I don't
know.

Sam:
I'm sorry repeat the last question.

Sebastian:
How do you feel about people right now who are using a lot of
special effects - like unreliable narrators, rhyme schemes,
extended metaphors, etc?

Sebastian:
Would you say that sort of thing isn't really in keeping with
poesy?

Sam:
I feel, fine, they are "poets", as far as I know, because
none of the poetists I know break the rules of the manifesto.

Sebastian:
Or deliberately misspeling words?

Sebastian:
To create some sort of naive folk effect.

Sam:
Now deliberate misspleings are very objective, how can one
tell what is delibe rat.

Sam:
And what is a forigner trying?

Sebastian:
So does that sort of thing become discouraged, by you
personally, or is it more dependent on other factors?

Sam:
It depends whether the piece calls for it, or whether it has
a specific purpose like to show irony, in which case it would
be rejected by the Poetists.

Sebastian:
If I wanted to force an analogy between pornography and
poesy, do you think I could do that?

Sam:
It's actually a reversed analogy.

Sam:
Because poetry is really pornography.

Sam:
Art is pornography.

Sebastian:
Can you go deeper on that?

Sam:
But poesy is a righteous morale outpost.

Sebastian:
And pornography is less morale and more immorale?

Sam:
I, myself, always want to destroy pornography, once I am done
using it, but I always save poesy, once it's been used.

Sebastian:
Do you think being in a state of pornography is similar to
the poesic state?

Sam:
No pornography is a babysitter, nothing else, it's poetry and
fine art that you gotta watch out for.

Sebastian:
didn't we talk about poesy being like toilet paper recently?

Sam:
You can write poesy on toilet paper

Sam:
but please use a pen or pencil.

Sebastian:
And when you're done with it, it becomes very foreign to the
author

Sebastian:
because it has, so to speak, been expelled.

Sam:
Let's think of a human being that has reached it's capacity
for development

Sam:
as an infant

Sebastian:
uh-huh

Sam:
In a crib of society, with it's painful sexual history being
the diaper

Sebastian:
It needs to be changed!

Sam:
Now pornography is the babysitter, that is around frequently
to take the place of various people

Sam:
that the baby needs

Sebastian:
Mom and dad!

Sam:
But the babysitter is very passive, and instructed to only
give out medicine.

Sam:
Well, I've had enough!

Sebastian:
Enough medicine, or enough of the Q&A?

Sam:
And poesy is the firemen's rope that can lead us out of that
crib, to the bathroom of life where we can change ourselves.

Sam:
Enough pornography!

Sam:
I can't stand the guilt.

Sebastian:
I know, me too.

Sebastian:
Unfortunately all my relationships so far have been
pornographic.

Sam:
Can I write an anonymous article for the Truth section?

Sebastian:
What's the article on?

Sam:
The article would be about one man's fight with internet porn
addiction.

Sebastian:
I'm greenlighting it!

Sebastian:
I say go, go!

Sam:
Ok, but it has to be hush-hush.

Sam:
I am going to submit it to the official submit link.

Sebastian:
Why not to your editor?

Sebastian:
Don't you think you need editing and guidance?

Sebastian:
I have another question:

Sam:
No, this one is going to be like a letter out of "Calling out
for Help" it will be like a step from 12 steps.

Sam:
But not denial.

Sebastian:
Look, I support it completely.

Sebastian:
But here's my last question.

Sam:
Ok, ready.

Sebastian:
As a poetist, how do you think we can stop these school
shootings? Or are they a valid but painful form of
expression?

Sam:
I think all forms of expression are old world.

Sam:
however the art of shooting some kids for the hell of it is
not the kind of thing that can be erased.

Sam:
The shooting will go on.

Sebastian:
What about the fact that they had been teasing the kid,
calling him "dork, nerd and geek"?

Sebastian:
Do you think the shooting is "an act of cowardice"?

Sebastian:
Or is it transformation?

Sam:
No, it was retaliation, but I am not familiar with the so
called "Jeremy" feelings.

Sam:
For I am not a Dad, or a Son.

Sebastian:
You don't have homicidal impulses?

Sam:
Not towards little pimply kids.

Sebastian:
Would you participate in an office shooting?

Sam:
Those impulses are only directed towards myself and my loved
ones.

Sebastian:
So you're saying you would rather enact a homicide/suicide
threeway than randomly shoot people in the bathroom?

Sam:
I would kill the shooter, I would corner him/her in the
bathroom and hypnotize him/her to drop the gun.

Sebastian:
And then shoot him with his own gun?

Sam:
Then I would put a gun to the mouth of the shooter and kill
him, and then pretend like I was in shock.

Sebastian:
The president would call that an "act of bravery."

Sam:
I would be a broken human being, and I could live in
suffering forever!

Sebastian:
You will.

Sebastian:
Okay, thanks for the Q&A, but I need to do some more work.

Sam:
I'm sorry but it's hard for me to be funny

Sam:
or quirky.

Sebastian:
I'm not looking for gimmicks.

Sam:
You guys are doing great.

Sebastian:
But I feel like people have a curiosity about the manifesto,
and this is probably not the last word we'll hear on it.

Sam:
have you showed it to the board?

Sebastian:
I told them about it.

Sam:
I don't think you should pump up its value though, cause
these kind of things always seem cooler than they actually
are when you read them.

Sebastian:
Okay.

Sebastian:
I'm not really a pumper anyway.

Sam:
I think I should do an interview with you, because you are
naturally charming, and I think girls would like you a lot if
they read about you.

Sebastian:
That's what my mom says.

Sebastian:
Maybe you could interview her.

Sam:
Sure, does she write poetry?

Sebastian:
My mom dances, so she could relate on that level, and you
could ask her about it.

Sam:
But how are people getting to this site, are you doing any
publicity?

Sam:
What the fuck is beecommerce?

Sam:
and "corporate"

Sebastian:
Corporate is more geared towards our investors.

Sebastian:
Not so much the artists.

Sam:
You have investors???

Sebastian:
There's a lot going on

Sebastian:
But I can't really talk about it yet because nothing is
finalized.

Sam:
That's a rude thing to say to an old friend.

Sebastian:
I'm sorry, it's the business.

Sam:
It's changed you.

Sebastian:
No, I'm just kidding - we don't have investors.

Sam:
I need to talk to your mother, I think I have an angle.

Sebastian:
Okay, thanks.


The exchange above was edited for content and clarity.