{ the sweetest bee makes the thickest honey. }

"My last boyfriend liked to pretend I was dead. He would just totally ignore me, and I was turned on by it."
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How to Survive Unbearable Heartbreak: Communicating With Your Partner
by Sebastian Ischer

She says:
- Sometimes when I'm having sex I like to pretend I'm unconscious, and I
want the guy to keep fucking me while I lie there lifelessly.
- Isn't that sort of boring?
- Some guys like it. My last boyfriend liked to pretend I was dead. He
would just totally ignore me, and I was turned on by it. I'd go lie down on
the floor in the bathroom, or in the kitchen, as if I'd slipped and cracked
my head. I'd lie there for a while, and then when he'd find me, he'd take
my clothes off and start fucking me. Sometimes he'd cry too.
- Did you feel like he had any sort of issues with death?
- I don't know. I think it was the non-communicating that made it good for
him. Thinking about how the other person is feeling during sex makes it a
lot harder to get off sometimes.

We were sitting on her fire escape. I was wearing my underwear. Look, she
said, there's a spanish guy getting arrested. I bet the cops are gonna beat
the shit out of him.
We kissed, and then it got cold. Inside, we watched tv and had sex. Most
of the shows were annoying. But I like having sex to the news.

- The last girl I was with torched my heart. She totally fucked me inside
out. I thought she loved me, and she sort of pretended to, but then later I
found out she was sleeping with these other guys. It really made me crazy.
I didn't understand back then that you have to dissociate yourself from
other people and the things they do to you, even if you like them. If you
don't keep some sort of wall for yourself, you'll get absorbed by other
people's personalities, and then chewed up and spit out.
- That's sad. But I bet you'll fall in love again.
- I hope not. I'd rather have a $1000 a day crack habit than be in love.
People only reveal their ugliest sides to someone they love.
- Don't be a whiner. I bet I could get you to fall in love with me. All
I'd have to do is have sex with you every day for a month and see lots of
movies with you and then by the end you'd follow me around like a little
- And I'd hate you for it.
- And then you could kill me and fuck my corpse.
- And then I'd go to jail and get fucked by inmates until my asshole turned
inside out.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you. I'd like to fuck you in the ass sometime.
- You can't.
- I could use a strap-on.
- I'd only let you do it if the strap-on was somehow inserted into your
clit. I wouldn't want you to fuck me if you weren't getting off as well.
- I'd get off emotionally.
- I don't think I'd want to do it. I'm not secure enough in my masculinity,
I guess.
- You fag. You know you'd like it. I'd let you fuck me first.
- Hmm. Ok, I'll think about it.
- Just say you'll do it, please.
- I said I'd think about it.
- It would really mean a lot to me.
- I know.

The next night, I was out at a bar. I was trying to talk to a girl, but I
was also a little too drunk.

I said:

- Do you want another drink?
- No, I'd rather not. I think it might be a bad idea.
- How come?
- I might do something crazy or self-destructive that I wouldn't be proud of
- Do you mean like a sexual thing?
- That too. I've already had a lot to drink.
- It's not necessarily bad to have sex sometimes.
- I don't know. I think I'm trying to save myself for the person I'll get
married to.
- That's too bad.
- Why?
- I don't know. It seems really final and unyielding. Maybe I could marry
- Why would you want to marry me?
- So I could make out with you.
- You'd marry me just to see me naked?
- Yeah, that seems like a pretty good reason to get married.

She said:

- I'm not sure what I like about you, besides your big penis.
- It's not really that big.
- Yes it is. I know, I can compare.
- Hmm. I think girls always tell guys they like that they have big penises.
It's a way for them to communicate intimacy and sexual approval.
- Whatever. Let me see it.
- Okay.
- I want you to give me the right to grab it anytime I want, no matter where
we are. We'll write a contract. Here, sign it. It says "I, the
undersigned party, herewith bestow upon (insert girl) the right to molest me
whenever she choses, be it in private or public. Sign it.
- I feel kind of weird about this. What if it's at an inappropriate moment?
I won't be able to deny you.
- Come on, just sign it. I'm sick of guys trying to deny me their penises.
- Ok.

I said:

- I really feel like I'm in love with you, even though a lot of the things
you say are kind of boring.
- Like what?
- Well, I'd rather not go into the details, because you'll be insulted. But
what I was trying to express is how much I do love you, since it doesn't
even seem to matter that I'm bored - I just like to talk to you because I
like looking at you when you say things.
- What did you mean by some of the things I say are boring? What things?
- No, no. Don't do this. I don't want you to get angry. I just told you
because I trust you and I thought you'd relate. I mean, we can be in love
with each other but not like every little thing about each other.
- You're just being an asshole. You brought it up, so tell me what you
think I was saying that bored you. Come on, don't be a coward about it.
- Okay, I guess, the way you talk about your friends, (I've never met them),
but you describe them like they're characters on some sort of tv show. Like
everything's so cute and stereotypical: This one paints portraits of
homeless people, and he's such a sweetheart, and there's the
motorcycle-riding drug addict who has this like, really innocent soul, and
these hippies with their babies, and the lovable frat boy.
- That's because they're my friends. I miss them, that's why I talk about
them affectionately.
- Yeah, but you turn them all into feel-good clichees. I don't talk about
my friends like their types.
- That's because you don't talk about your friends at all. You never want
to talk to me. If it was up to you, all we'd do is fuck.
- Come on, don't get angry. I just thought you could deal with me saying
something without kissing your ass.
- Fuck you. You're being mean to me. I don't want to talk about this
- I'm being mean? I was just telling you something I felt, and now you're
telling me to fuck myself. It's not fair.
- I'm not talking to you anymore.
- You can't just shut me out in the middle of a conversation. That's so
rude and self-centered. You selfish bitch. I'm sick of these little
tantrums you throw every time I say something you don't like. Just grow up,
- (Starts to cry) You asshole. I just want to tell you about my friends,
and you start picking a fight.
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